||[Dec. 21st, 2003|12:20 pm]
I couldn't do it.
Moira, wonderful woman that she is, took me to Kinross. I thought I'd be all right - that it had been long enough, and that I'd be able to look Reverend Craig in the eye and tell him just what I thought of him. I thought that I'd finally, finally be free of his hold over me.
Five miles outside of the town, though, my hands started shaking. A mile away, I couldn't breathe for the way my chest tghtened up. By the time I could see the spire, that damned church spire you can spot from anywhere in Kinross, I was screaming at Moira to turn the car around. I'm surprised she understood me through all my tears.
She turned around, drove until I couldn't see the spire anymore, then pulled the car over and hugged me as I sobbed. It must have taken an age for me to calm down, but I did, finally. We spent the rest of the journey in silence; I was too embarrassed to say anything, and I guess she figured she shouldn't press the matter.
It isn't fair. How can he still have this much power over me? How is it fair that he can still make me feel this way when I haven't even lain eyes on him in three bloody years? I'm still shaking, and we've been back on Muir Island for a good two hours now....
I thought what I'd faced at Xavier's these past few months had made me stronger, but it hasn't. Lord forgive me, I'm starting to think that nothing will. Not when it comes to this.